I am stopping in a moment to write, as I have throughout my life when the feelings are just too big to hold. For most of my life I would write of fear, confusion, anger and judgement. Thinking I knew best, I wanted to change it all. Yet, I was small with a weak voice and the faintest of hearts. As a young child, I would break into tears if someone looked into my eyes. Being in a room full of people made me feel sick to my stomach. I absorbed everyone. I became them. I disappeared. Just as Christ bore the cross and Buddha fought Mara under the Bodhi tree, I felt the weight of the world. I didn’t understand it or know that it was happening. I only knew that I didn’t know myself. I was a chameleon. Although I made others feel seen and was great at helping them, it exhausted me. The weight grew more and more heavy. And then in an instant, upon experiencing the deepest of all betrayals, I died and became empty, unsure of what remained. I saw myself as a tree uprooted, fallen to the ground with little chance of taking root again.
Whereas at the time, the emptiness felt like the greatest suffering I had ever experienced, now I know that it was an opportunity to be refilled with my Authentic Self, with pure love. The feelings are still too much to bear sometimes. But they are new and they break me in a completely different way. What I feel, at this moment, as I attempt to spill my heart out onto the page is the opposite of what I used to feel.
Having just returned from a very simple errand, I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of the moon peeking through the clouds. I felt the pull to merge with it, to leave behind the illusion and become one with what is real. I yearn to unite with the bliss that I get glimpses of as I see the sunset while a perfect song plays and speaks to my soul. My heart bursts with joy as I witness the miraculous recovery of a friend and adoration pours forth as I spend the simplest of moments with my children. I realize now that the tears I spilled as a child were not of sadness and insecurity but of sheer overwhelm. I have always been able to tap into the vastness of all that is and to know that I am a part of it. This kind of love hurts and I wonder if anyone else in the world feels it so strongly. I don’t feel it for one, I feel it for all and it is more than I can handle. So I pick up a pen and attempt to explain just what it is to experience Heaven on Earth. In spite of the times we are living in, my heart burns with gratitude that I am gifted with the ability to shed all that does not belong to me and return to my Authentic Self. As my tears are flowing now, I stand rooted and upright, touching the heavens, aching to cross over to where I may find another who understands.